When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Sunday, December 21, 2003
I touch glass. It's clear, as though it's not there at all, yet there's this solid wall of glass all around me.
At times I bang on it indignantly to no avail. I can't breathe, I can't concentrate, I can't think of anything else except to try smash the darn wall of Jungian/Freudian substrate into smithereens and crash through the mental/emotional barrier. Other times I step back and acknowledge its presence blankly, forlornly, with a disturbingly peaceful state of mind.
Love and fear, fear and love.
My fear of losing him is tantamount to my desire of wanting him.
To have him by my side always, to feel the warmth of his skin, to capture the look in his soft brown eyes - a gentleness reflected in those dreamy wells just for me, always, forever.
Yet I want him to fly free. Not like a kite with a string attached, but free like a mighty albatross, a lord of the skies. To see him doing the things he relishes in, to watch him living his life from afar, and to not interrupt his life or the activities that he's used to, bring about immense contentment and pleasure.
I'm sure and I'm unsure. I feel and I do not feel. I fear and I do not fear. I love and I do not love. I'm tearing myself apart between extremes. Yet he does occupy much of my mind, much of the time.
All the while I'm crumbling and collapsing in my own self-doubts, his world might be turned topsy-turvy too. Swishing, swashing, like a washing machine churning a heavy load.
I've been accused of being inattentive and distracted in the company of someone special. But that's really what makes him different from everyone else. He puts me in such an ease and makes me feel so comfy that the recall and analytical faculties in my puny BIRD brain shut down. It's a bliss to be a bimbo or a disillusioned self-declared queen at times - to not think and worry and fret.
He puts the Mona Lisa teethless/gumless smile on my face. A smile of content that can easily be misread as fatigue or boredom. He makes me laugh. He knows the one dirty trick to tease the tears of laughter outta me. He causes me to beam widely in response to his demented toothy smile.
Are we supposed to look for the same traits in a partner in every new relationship? Doesn't that signify a lesson unlearnt? True, there were certain things that I admire in other people. But in him I saw something else. Something that I've yet to grasp or comprehend. He does have a strange effect on me. There is no way to capture my flitting feelings for him now down in words. Every day I discover more, experience more, redefine and refine what and how much he means to me. Kare ga suki ni raremashita.
